


Dusk

by aahrtyeah



Category: Star Wars (Marvel Comics), Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: A New Dawn - John Jackson Miller, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Angst, Blind Kanan Jarrus, Canon Compliant, Duty, Episode: s04e10 Jedi Night, Extended Scene, F/M, Implied Sexual Content, Meditation, Novelization style retelling, POV Kanan Jarrus, Parental Kanan Jarrus, Reflection, Responsibility, Weird headcanons make their first appearance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-24
Packaged: 2021-03-25 04:15:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30083325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aahrtyeah/pseuds/aahrtyeah
Summary: Kanan Jarrus returns to Lothal, coming home in some ways, to find it beaten and battered. The Force and planet itself are incessant; there is something he must do. That only he can do. He just hopes he's up to the task.Well, and he hopes, too, to see Hera again. Maybe to run away with her and be done with it all.This is a novelization-style rewrite of episodes leading up to and including Jedi Night from Kanan's perspective. I have included canon compliant, though non-canon scenes.
Relationships: C1-10P | Chopper & Kanan Jarrus, Ezra Bridger & Kanan Jarrus, Kanan Jarrus & Garazeb "Zeb" Orrelios, Kanan Jarrus & Sabine Wren, Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla
Comments: 6
Kudos: 9





	1. Chapter 1

No one had told him much about what it looked like, but Ezra had said they were burning it. Kanan could feel the sorrow as they approached. Lothal was being squashed, made to submit, and the whole planet was crying out for relief. 

When he was younger, Kanan would've blamed himself for this. It was their fault that Lothal had been put under strict watch and blockade. Just like the Imperials had burned Tarkintown, the project that had finally convinced Kanan that he could do good against the Empire, they had punished Lothal to tempt Kanan and his family out of hiding. 

But Kanan didn't feel guilty now. He felt the gentle tug on his ponytail, the one that reminded him that he had something the Force needed him to do. He had cultivated a close relationship to the Force in the last few years--especially since Malachor--but it sometimes still manifested itself to him in this bodily way, like it had when he tried to close himself off for safety. When the need was pressing or urgent. 

The life force of the planet was pulling at him. Kanan had thought that Ezra's attachment to his home had been why Ezra had been so single-minded, but Kanan didn't dare condemn it; he had seen the good that attachment could bring. Not to mention he'd look like a hypocrite if he  _ did  _ chastise his padawan for being attached. Kanan thought for a moment of Hera, seeing her in his memory and feeling her presence just nearby. 

She had said she was wearing an old outfit she kept on hand as a disguise, reminding him of the times she'd worn it when he'd been able to see her. It was a look Kanan, fortunately, remembered well enough. One he had always loved. 

For just a moment, he was filled with dread, though. Ezra’s obsession with Lothal had perhaps not been entirely voluntary. Kanan was starting to feel that there was something bigger for them here. 

Getting to Ryder's encampment had been an absolute fiasco, but they were where they were meant to be, preparing to get the information they'd come for. The TIE Defenders were nasty and Kanan knew that even Hera would need all the help she could get to even evade them, let alone shoot them down. 

Hera had, to Kanan’s surprise, opted not to go do the Defender recon. Instead, she had finagled it so that it was just the two of them doing anti-aircraft defense recon together, heading to Ezra's old tower. It was almost like the old times, the days before Zeb, Sabine and Ezra or the Alliance or any of it. 

Kanan missed his old speeder bike profoundly as he sat on the back of some stolen Imp bike, hugging Hera. How many times had he ridden through these plains, Hera holding on to him? 

The tower was nearly unchanged, remarkably. Kallus had faced Thrawn here and Kanan expected the place to be completely gutted for any information, but as far as Kanan could tell, not a lot was missing. 

"The long-range com is gone, some of Sabine's art…" Hera said, doing some of the visual work for Kanan. "Can you… sense any bugs or anything?" 

Kanan reached out with the Force, looking for surveillance equipment of any kind. He shook his head. "Seems like they really thought we wouldn't be back here, or didn’t care." 

"Pretty odd since they seemed to want us to come back." Hera had walked over to the cot and sat down. "I just keep thinking about Tarkintown," she told him sadly. 

Kanan sighed and walked over to sit near her. "Me too," he confided, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. He took his mask off and set it down. He didn't like to wear it around Hera anymore. Hera didn't like it either, she'd said. 

"Those people didn't deserve that," said Hera. "Lothal doesn't deserve this." 

Kanan sighed, feeling heavy. The tug was back, pulling on his hair. "We're supposed to be here. We were supposed to help those refugees," Kanan assured her. He breathed a laugh, thinking back to how things had been then, so many years ago. 

"What?" Hera asked. Kanan could hear the smile in her voice. 

Kanan shrugged, a little embarrassed. "I was just thinking about how young we were back then," he began. "How you were so done with me at first." He chuckled. 

Hera put a hand on his face and turned him towards her. He put his hand on her cheek now, looking in his way at her. Her soft skin was crinkled with a smile. "You were so stubborn," she said with a laugh. 

"Persistent," Kanan corrected, grinning. 

Hera chuckled and kissed him. It was a familiar kind of kiss. The kind they often shared before bed on the nights they were too tired for anything else. Kanan thought for a moment, back to their early days on Lothal. He'd wanted nothing more than to be with Hera then. She'd come around eventually. At least enough to have a relationship in everything but name. 

Maybe Hera was remembering too, because she deepened the kiss and pulled his hair out of its hair tie. Her fingers were running through it and then she locked them in it against his scalp. She pulled away for a moment and Kanan breathed a little harder than normal. 

"Do you want to?" Her voice had always been beautiful to him, but moments like this its allure seemed to just shoot off the charts. 

Kanan chuckled and answered by touching the tips of his fingers to her lek and running them along the length of it slowly. 

She did something like her "how dare you" laugh mixed with a moan and pulled his head back, kissing his neck. 

Kanan let out a big breath and relaxed his face. Hera's limbs were tangled up in his and Kanan didn't mind at all. This wasn't exactly rare now, but it had been less frequent than either of them had wanted. Yavin had been a busy place for both of them, but Hera especially seemed to be needed somewhere all the time. Lothal was slower, even if there was that nagging pull of the Force demanding his attention. 

"Now I have to go use that nasty refresher," Hera mumbled with disgust. 

Kanan groaned. "I forgot about that thing," he said. "I'm glad we got Ezra out of here." 

Kanan felt Hera smile against his chest. "Me too," she agreed before peeling herself away. 

"Take your blaster," Kanan joked. 

Hera made a nervous sound and Kanan heard the refresher door open and close. Something whispered to him that he wouldn't have a chance to do this with Hera again for a long time. He felt a sinking in his stomach, but at least he had enjoyed it and been present. Hera said that a lot of times her mind wandered during sex, but he'd never really had that problem. He smiled now, too, thinking that she had sounded very present today. 

The door opened and closed again and Hera let out a cleansing sigh. She walked over and sat next to him, putting a hand on his chest. Kanan ran his fingers along her sides, wishing he could get a look at her, naked and beautiful. 

"We should probably check in with the kids," she told him. 

"Yeah," he agreed, wishing the moment could go on forever instead. "I love you," he heard himself say. 

Hera was quiet. 

"You don't have to…" Kanan started, stopping when he felt her stand up. She pecked him with a kiss and started to get dressed. Kanan sighed, a little disappointed. He never meant to say it anymore, it just came out periodically, but Kanan always hoped, even just a tiny bit, that Hera would say it back.  _ At least she didn't get mad this time.  _

Ezra and Sabine were missing. Kanan could feel how worried Hera was. He was worried, too, but he trusted them to come back. Not that Hera didn't, but Kanan felt like he needed to let the birds out of the nest. Kanan wouldn't be here for them forever, he knew. 

Kanan, even believing the kids would be fine, had a hard time sleeping. He woke up after a few restless hours, waited in bed as long as he could stand to, and then got up while most of the others were still sleeping. He felt the tug of the Force and followed intuitively, into the field. 

It was cold both in the air around him and on the ground where he knelt. He took his mask off and waited for the next prompting. Breathing deliberately, he emptied his head of the anxieties he had been awake with for hours, acknowledging them when they came up, but ultimately letting them go to the Force. Each breath in was a reminder to be receptive, to listen. 

Meditation always seemed both like it took forever and no time at all. So after maybe just a few minutes or maybe a few hours, he felt a distinct impression. An image formed in his mind of arching, narrow paths. His mind followed the one he was near, noticing that around him there were others, angled in towards his path. Kanan expected they would meet soon, assuming they were straight. As he followed, he saw that his path did join the many others, but only two left from that point, branching off again further away. Kanan did not go past the junction. 

The image left him and Kanan noted the warmth of the sun on his face. He hadn't been one for sunrises or sunsets before Lothal. It had been this sun's artful painting of the sky that he thought of now when he recalled what those transitions looked like. With a few more breaths, he brought his focus back to his body, back to the ground under him. He opened his eyes, having shut them to meditate out of habit, and sighed, turning to sit down more casually and facing the camp. 

He hadn't had such a clear experience with the Force in… Kanan wracked his brain, trying to think of anything similar. He'd had dreams that had ended up being somewhat visionary, but he hadn't recognized them ahead of time. But other than that, his guidance from the Force was mostly just a wordless impression or an intuitive urge. Kanan wondered why he'd had this experience now. If he'd been fully trained and a knight, now, would this be relatively normal? If he hadn't lost his sight and been tutored by Bendu, would he have been open enough for it? 

Kanan felt another tug, this time he knew what it meant. 

He got up and let his blood flow into his head and legs before running towards the camp. 

Everyone moved quickly when he told them they were here. No one questioned how he knew. Sabine was groggy and Ezra was bewildered. He mentioned a loth-wolf and Kanan furrowed his brow under his mask. 

The others left, taking Sabine gently towards camp. "Kanan, there was a wolf," Ezra began. Kanan could sense his confusion. "And there's something more to it. What, I don't know."

"I believe you," Kanan began, knowing how strange it could be to feel like the only one feeling something all too well. "All paths are coming together now," he heard himself say. 

"What does that mean?" 

"I don't know." It was not a lie. "We'll have to find out when we get there." He felt uneasy, but confident simultaneously. The Force had been clear, but would he be capable of doing what it required? He wasn't sure. 

The next few hours were hectic. Sabine went to the rudimentary med-center--a single tent with a robust medpac. Hera wanted her to rest, but Sabine insisted she was fine and would like to get started on making the U-wing ready for its new hyperdrive. Ezra had something to eat, took a short nap and formulated a plan. Normally, Kanan would’ve gone with him, but the uneasy feeling kept him back. 

Hera was busy with Sabine, getting the old ship ready to go, when Kanan felt a yank on his ponytail. It was so hard, he turned around to see if someone was there, forgetting that he couldn’t see. He reached out through the Force, holding out a hand, and said, “Hello?” 

The answer he received was startling. “Come,” a voice said in his mind. 

Kanan turned on his heel, leaving camp. He found a spot in the fields, far enough away that he couldn’t hear any of the bustle, but he didn’t go much further. This was urgent, whatever it was. 

Kneeling down, he sat on his feet and made himself comfortable. He took his deep breaths and tried to release his anxiety, but the uneasy feeling rested in the bottom of his stomach, unattached to an actual thought. He tried to breathe into that spot and release the tension, but it would not go. 

“The Jedi Code,” he heard a voice from his memory, Master Billaba’s, prompting him. 

He pursed his lips, resisting. He had not thought about the Code as anything more than some opaque clichés in a decade or more. 

“The Code,” she said again. 

Kanan sighed and rolled his eyes. Then he thought the lines, inhaling and exhaling on each one, as he had been taught. 

_ Emotion, yet peace.  _

_ Ignorance, yet knowledge.  _

_ Passion, yet serenity.  _

_ Chaos, yet harmony.  _

_ Death, yet the Force.  _

He repeated it through eight times, as had always been required when he was a youngling. 

Then, unbidden, a new thought came to him. 

_ Attachment, yet sacrifice.  _

A flood of emotions poured in. Kanan breathed purposefully, trying to sort and order the feelings. 

Heaviness. 

Fatigue. 

Foreboding. 

Responsibility. 

Sorrow. 

Kanan took a lot of time trying to let go of them, but was not having much success. He turned back to the abbreviated version of the Jedi Code, hoping against hope that he would feel something different, but each time he completed the mantra, "attachment, yet sacrifice" filled his mind. 

He knew what it meant, but he was unwilling to give it a name, not right now. 

He felt her coming. 

"You know they already left to get the hyperdrive. Figured you'd go."

"I wanted to stay," he said as calmly as he could manage. He felt a tug, this time towards the ground beneath him. "It's funny, no matter what happens, we always end up back here on Lothal."

"Well, Ezra has a strong connection to this place. It is his home." 

Kanan remembered back to when they'd first started living together. When she'd taken him on as her crew. Their second destination had been Lothal where Hera had taken work with Vizago. "Before we knew Ezra, we were drawn here." 

"The  _ mission _ was here."

Kanan smiled ruefully and said, "There were a lot of missions in a lot of places, but we kept coming back." He remembered their trip to Rion. The one they'd always talked about doing again after the war. 

"Are you saying we were meant to come here? Maybe to meet Ezra?"

"I don't know, something like that. But there's more to it. I'm just not sure what." This planet wanted something from someone and Kanan was pretty sure it was him, but he was too terrified to accept the call. Not yet. 

He hung his head with a sigh. Hera wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "What's wrong?" she asked gently. 

"I don't know," he confided. "The path… it's not clear." 

Hera sighed and squeezed his shoulder. "We're all flying blind, right now." Hera put her other hand on his hand and Kanan moved to grip her fingers instinctively. "We have to just do the best we can with whatever we've got." 

Kanan nodded and was glad he hadn't taken his mask off; he was blinking back the stinging in his eyes. He thought about telling her everything, but the Force whispered a "no" in response. 

"I'm afraid, Hera," he said quietly. 

Hera stayed by his side, silent for a long time. Her com chimed, Sabine asking for her opinion. Hera could only give an answer if she looked. 

"I'm sorry, Love," she bid him, kissing him briefly before leaving. 

Kanan sighed and waited. He was angry, now. He wanted to pound his fist into the ground. He wished he'd never been found by the Jedi, or brought to Lothal. He wanted to just be with Hera. 

When they'd arrived it had felt like coming to a home away from home, but now he couldn't wait to get off of Lothal. He wanted to run, even. Just as he'd run so many times before. He wanted to leave the whole thing, the Alliance, the TIE Defenders, everything. 

He sighed and relaxed, exhausted from the overwhelming tension of being mad. He couldn't leave everything, he knew. Nothing could be undone. He could only move forward. 

"Attachment, yet sacrifice," he remembered out loud, rubbing his chin. Maybe if he could choose attachment, someone else could make the sacrifice. Could Hera do this for him, now? 

The camp was quiet, the way it's quiet before a storm on some planets. Hera and Sabine had done everything they could to prep for the hyperdrive and were running other diagnostics and doing last minute improvements they could manage in the short time. 

Ryder was monitoring the coms and Chopper was… well, Kanan didn't know where Chopper was, actually. 

"Zeb should be here soon, you ready?" 

"I should be able to just drop the hyperdrive in and run power to it," Sabine answered, sounding less certain than usual. 

"This ship is old. There's no guarantee the Defender's hyperdrive will even work in this thing, never mind the Imperial blockade," Kanan pointed out.

Hera paused for a moment. "Getting this TIE Defender data to the rebellion is vital," she said with a defensive note in her voice.

"When are you going to feel you've done enough for this rebellion?" Kanan pressed, trying and failing to be gentle about it. 

"I guess when the Empire is overthrown and people are free to live their lives the way they want again."

Kanan had expected that answer; it was the answer she had given when they'd had this conversation before. "And when that time comes, how do you want to live your life?"

"Huh. I don't know. Guess I never really thought about it." Kanan was starting to lose hope that this conversation would go differently this time; she'd always said something along those lines when he asked, even though they  _ had _ discussed their future in very veiled terms a time or two. 

Kanan responded, as if reading a script, with another question he'd often asked, "So I guess you never really thought about us."

"Kanan, we've talked about that before." This was new, but not heading in a direction he'd hoped for. 

"Have we?" He wanted to give her as many chances to commit to him as he could.  _ Please just come away with me _ , he thought. 

"You know how I feel."

"Do I?"  _ Please.  _ She leaned in to kiss him, as she often did to stop his questions, though never in front of anyone else. 

"Hey, excuse me!" Ryder shouted, tearing Hera away from Kanan. "We got incoming!" 

Kanan had been too testy, it was true. He also hadn't been able to see through the Force very clearly when he'd done it. He had been more his old self for the first time since Malachor. Actually, trying to act on the impulse to run had reared its head a few times since he'd gotten in with Hera. But if he was being honest, this was most like when he'd never known her. When he used to cut ties with anything and anyone at the first sign of trouble or boredom. 

It had been a selfish impulse, but the Force had not stopped him. It had allowed him to try to choose his own path, away from what it wanted and towards what he wanted. 

It had set back in, though, the heavy weight of duty accompanying the clarity he understood through the Force. It warned him.  _ Just be present _ . 

Hera was going to leave soon and Kanan decided to wait for her near the ship, so there would be no chance of missing each other. Not that he expected Hera to try to leave without saying goodbye, but he wanted more time to think about what to say. 

He wanted to apologize; Hera didn't deserve to be responsible for his choices. He didn't exactly want to thank her, but it seemed like she had made the best choice for him easier by sticking to her commitment. He wanted to ask her if she could feel anything… if she thought they'd meet again… 

She turned the corner. 

"Hera, about what happened. I don't want you to think…" Kanan stammered. He paused and sighed, hoping to try again. "I just…"

She grabbed his shirt and pulled him into a kiss. Kanan was startled, aware that the others were near enough to see, if they looked. But he remembered to be present and melted into the kiss, putting his hands on the small of her back like he always did when they said goodnight. 

Hera broke away and Kanan could sense her happiness, mixed with a hint of uncertainty. 

"May the Force be with you," she said. 

He was speechless. Well, actually there was one thing he wanted to say,  _ I love you.  _ Instead he smiled feebly and got off the ship. She'd already pushed her time to get in the air too far. As soon as Kanan was off, she was up. Kanan watched the ship fly away for just a moment before turning to the others, jumping into the action as best he could, even though the object of his attention was flying away from him and it felt like the last time. 

Ezra had been in tune enough to have noticed the wolves. Kanan followed, with the rest, until they stopped. Large and looming, huge presence in the Force, the loth-wolves waited. He felt the same feeling he had for years in the Temple; judgment like he'd felt from his master and the others, except amplified, boring into him. Voices were talking around Kanan, but he couldn't hear, not until Ezra called his name. 

"Kanan, they're looking--"

"At me. I know." Kanan stepped forward. "What do they want?" 

"I don't know." 

The wolves started moving again, and the band of rebels followed, into the mountains, out of the sunlight and into confusion. Kanan felt the pull of the ground all around him now, the planet yearning through the Force for something. 

Unable to discern anything else, Kanan asked Ezra what next, trusting Ezra's natural talent for connecting to creatures. The bombing started before they could get much further. Kanan felt the ground around him crying out in pain. 

"There's no way out of here," Ryder said nearby. 

"That we know of," countered Kanan, knowing that the Force was often mysterious and knowing that the wolves were strong with it. 

Kanan wasn't sure what the others were seeing as they linked hands and followed the wolves deeper into Lothal, but Kanan felt the call of the earth change. The crying subsided and was replaced by peace and quiet. Distantly, Kanan could sense the turmoil of the roiling outside, but here everything was ethereal, both grounded and elevated. 

Then he saw himself on his old speeder, heading down the highway, Ezra on one side and the loth-wolf leader on his other. They zipped down, faster and faster, until the wolf cut across, stopping Kanan. Kanan watched as Ezra continued on past him. 

The sun was streaming down on his face next and he was waking up in a field of grass--no, a stone cave? 

The others left to find out where they had appeared, and Kanan started to follow, but the tug at the back of his head kept him still. He felt the pull of the planet, annoyingly familiar now, except it was moving and direct. The wolf. 

He felt, too, the old familiar feel of the Jedi Temple around him in the walls.  _ Listen _ . 

"Kanan." 

"Look around, Ezra. Tell me what you see." He could listen later, in solitude, but for now Ezra could help him understand what he couldn’t. 

Ezra was quiet for a moment. "This place reminds me of the Jedi temple here on Lothal. The walls are telling a story. There are people coming down from the sky. I think they might be Jedi,” he finished, sounding mystified. 

Kanan pursed his lips.  _ Listen _ , he felt again. "There's a message here for us." 

"Because we're Jedi?" asked Ezra. 

Kanan thought about that. Maybe it was their connection to the Jedi, yes, but he felt like it must be something else.

"Dume," the wolf growled in front of him. 

Kanan barely heard what Ezra said next; his head was spinning slightly. "What does that mean? The wolf said it before." 

A small handful of people knew who he had been in his past life. Hera, Ahsoka, inquisitors long dead… "Dume is my name,” he told Ezra, still having a hard time believing that this loth-wolf had said it at all. “Caleb Dume is the name I was  _ born _ with." 

Ezra sputtered briefly, obviously confused. "How does the wolf know that?"

Kanan furrowed his brow and reached up to touch the muzzle of the creature. Not just physically, but through the Force. The connection was strong and almost instant; the wolf was connected to the planet, yes, but also to Kanan. "It has a deep connection to the Force, to the energy of this planet." 

"Don't all living things?" Ezra rightly countered.

Ezra wasn’t wrong, but there were always special cases. "This is different. More focused, like it has a purpose."

"And we're a part of it,” realized Ezra, nodding with understanding.

Finally, Kanan wasn’t the only one starting to see things more clearly. "I'm getting a feeling building the TIE Defender isn't the worst thing the Empire's doing here. There's something else. Something more sinister."

"Dume." Kanan turned instinctively back towards the wolf, responding quickly to his old name.  _ Some things never really change.  _ The loth-wolf’s presence faded and, suddenly, there was a wall where it had been.

Ezra, trying to make sense of things, asked, "So, all the paths are coming together, right?"

"Yeah,” Kanan resisted the urge to grimace or rub the back of his neck, and wondered how much he should tell his padawan. “I'm just not sure if we're going to like where they lead."

"Do we ever?" Ezra asked wryly. 

Kanan appreciated his attitude, but felt the gravity of the situation. "No. And yes." 

"I wonder if Hera made it." 

"I know she did,” Kanan lied. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the Kanan comics, Kanan recites this version of the Jedi Code, so I used it instead of the full form.
> 
> I also have a lot of thoughts about the paintings that Ezra (poorly) describes, but I don't think they are important to Kanan. I think they are important to Ezra's story. So, if I ever do this same thing but with Ezra... I will include that.


	2. Chapter 2

It had been about a day. Jai had arrived with their meager supplies and they'd set up a camp in the old mountain dwellings. Kanan felt the call of the ground thrumming all around him. It was hard to focus on the normal tasks that needed to happen, so Kanan spent a lot of time trying to clear his head and find some peace. 

He tried to meditate, but it was difficult. Sometimes, a lot of times, he felt adrift and would meditate to ground himself in the present time and place, but now he just wanted distance. He wanted to be able to feel Hera and to know where she was. He hadn't felt her loss, and he thought he would if something had happened, so he assumed she was fine, but he wanted more information. All he seemed to have now was the incessant call of Lothal. 

The Force pulled at his ponytail and Kanan frowned.  _ A little less physical would be fine.  _ But he followed the pull, to a thought about family. 

Kanan reflected on his family, thinking about Ezra, Zeb, Sabine, Chopper, and Hera in turn. He'd formed unique bonds with each of them and his life has been made better for it. Their bond as a group had been a support and guide for him and for each other. 

His thoughts moved now to some of the people he had briefly loved and lost before finding Hera. Okadiah, Zaluna, and Skelly (Kanan rolled his eyes), came to mind as well as friends and lovers, the family from Moraga that had taken him in, Kasmir, even. Their touches had been brief, but they had influenced him in the way an extended family might. 

Then he thought on his master. Their time together had been cut short, but their relationship had been strong, connected by the Force. Stance, too, came to mind and Kanan took a moment to honor their sacrifices. They had both given their lives for Kanan, seemingly without a second thought. 

Then his mind wandered further into the past, into memories he didn't know he had. Faces he recognized but couldn't name. First they were from the Temple, but then they were somewhere else entirely. Kanan recognized it from his more recent memory. A pair of humans, one with Kanan's eyes and another with his complexion, framed by Kothal's town center buildings, but less run down than they had been when he and Hera first came here together. Further back--perhaps hundreds or thousands of years?--he saw these dwellings the wolves had brought him to, the ones in the mountains. 

Kanan saw the wolves again now, but in his mind, just a memory. And then Kanan felt the indomitable pull of the planet release him. He reached outward now, for Hera, but even with all his focus, he could not feel her, except for a general sense that yes, she was fine. 

With this reprieve from the will of the Force, the will of Lothal, going out to find the others was finally an option, his focus on making contact with Hera, choosing not to ponder the memories he'd seen and what they could mean. 

The crawler was a welcome distraction, though things were fuzzy and the surprise of Vizago compounded with his frustration about not getting in touch with Hera yet meant he was not exactly at the top of his game. 

After they'd secured the crawler, Kanan had a realization that his team, his  _ family _ had done very well even without him at his best. Ezra, even with his embarrassing attempt at impersonation, had taken care of the captain. Zeb had fought valiantly against the slave driver with only one save from Kanan necessary. And Sabine had managed to get a signal out to Yavin against nearly impossible odds. 

Hearing Hera's voice, even over the crawler’s crackly com system, was wonderful and nearly as enchanting as it had been the first time he'd heard it nearly a decade earlier. Kanan's relief was surprising, considering he had all but  _ known _ that she was fine. And considering that Hera was on the other side of a blockade and coming to attack. Still, she was coming back in one day and that was welcome news. 

The ground crew needed to clear the anti-aircraft guns around Capitol City, but the question was how. Sabine came up with the plan and got everyone to work loading up explosives. Kanan, feeling a gentle nudge in the Force, pulled Sabine aside and smiled weakly at her. 

"I'm…" he began. He sighed and was grateful she hadn't pushed back. "I'm feeling sentimental and I just wanted to tell you that I am proud of you. I'm proud of the woman you've become. And part of me thinks maybe I can take a little credit for it." He smiled more earnestly, pleased to hear her chuckling too. 

Then he was surprised when she wrapped him up in a hug. Kanan hugged her back and, even though it was brief, was glad it happened. Sabine punched his arm and said, "Thanks." Then she left to keep working on things, leaving Kanan to massage the spot she'd hit with a smile. 

"Are you available?" Ezra asked from the doorway. They'd found ancient rooms in the cavern, enough for everyone to have their own, and Kanan had been getting ready for bed. 

It had been their routine to meditate together in the evenings. The nights had been crazy since leaving Atollon, so they didn't often find the time, but Ezra had remembered it tonight. Kanan nodded, "I am." He gestured to a spot next to him and moved to sit on his heels. 

"I neglected to teach you something important," Kanan began. "The Jedi Code." 

Ezra knelt and put his hands on his thighs. "I'm ready." 

Kanan smiled ruefully. "I spent a lot of years thinking the code was nothing more than something that sounded nice. I was in the wilderness for a long time." He hung his head briefly and then began again. "I like this shorter version. It is more true, in my opinion.

"Emotion, yet peace. 

Ignorance, yet knowledge. 

Passion, yet serenity. 

Chaos, yet harmony. 

Death, yet the Force."

_ Attachment, yet sacrifice.  _

Kanan shook his head and then repeated the code once more. "Now you repeat after me." Ezra and Kanan spoke through it many more times until Kanan stopped. Each time, he thought,  _ attachment, yet sacrifice.  _

Kanan sighed. "There is another line. It is not part of the formal Jedi Code, but it has been incessant." 

"Well, what is it?" 

"Attachment, yet sacrifice." 

"Huh," Ezra responded, ever eloquent.  _ I was just the same at his age.  _ Ezra had always reminded Kanan of himself, though he hadn't always acknowledged it. "What does it mean?" 

"I don't know exactly," Kanan answered. "My master told me that we, as Jedi, give up our attachments to be attached to the will of the Force." He paused. "She said it was sacrifice that allowed us to do that. And I remember, too, that she said it was hard." 

Ezra was quiet, deep in thought. "Isn't sacrifice easier when it's for the thing we're attached to?" he asked. "Does that even make any sense?" 

Kanan smiled. "It does make sense, and I think you're right." Kanan relaxed, shifting to sit more comfortably. "The code, to me, is all about the two things existing together, in opposition, or maybe tension is a better word. To follow the will of the Force, we have to choose one or the other, but your point about attachment and sacrifice makes a lot of sense. Maybe, you can’t separate the two parts of each pair without losing balance." Kanan rubbed his beard now, as the pieces fell into place. "I would do just about anything for Hera, even though she  _ is _ my attachment. Hell, I'd do anything for you and Sabine… even Zeb." 

"Anything?" Ezra asked, more to himself than an actual question. 

Kanan reflected. There had been a time when he'd drawn lines in the sand, but he'd come over on a lot of them. Kanan thought of the people who would've done anything for him and was reminded of Ezra, here next to him. Kanan trusted Ezra would do what he needed to, if he was called upon. Kanan had a feeling he would be. 

"Yeah, anything." 

Kanan had been antsy all day, waiting for when they could finally get started taking down the guns pointed at the woman he loved. Once the turrets had fallen, Kanan had felt calm, but then the ships were apparently falling out of the sky. When he learned that, he'd felt sick and mad all at once. He tried to contact her on his com, desperate to know that she had not been shot down. His legs were simultaneously heavy like lead, but ready to run. 

It had all been a bit of a blur or something like a dream--nothing made sense and it didn’t feel real. Kanan had been riding a bike much like his old one at top speed down the highway, back to safety, when he woke from his stupor. He slowed down and stopped, urgent.

“I’m going back,” he said when Ezra looked back expectantly. “I have to do this.” 

“I understand. We’ll see you back at base,” Ezra said with a nod. 

Kanan was off in the other direction before he finished. He hadn’t felt much through the Force; even his awareness of the things around him was unclear. But as he got closer and closer to Capitol City, the gravity of the planet seemed to be pulling him down and back. Back towards the mountain dwellings. 

_ No, I have to do this. _

The unmistakable presence of the loth-wolf was suddenly ahead of him, corporeal though it had not been there a moment before. Kanan slammed on his brakes to stop and should have collided, but didn’t. Instead he flew up over the handlebars, hitting the ground hard and rolling a few times. When he stood up and got his bearings, the wolf was gone. 

Looking for a fight, he demanded, “Where are you?” He stood up and started back towards his bike. “I don’t have time for this,” Kanan shouted, mad as hell. Resigned, he sighed. “If you want to help, fine.” Testily, he added, “Otherwise, stay out of my way!” 

The wolf snarled near his face, stopping him cold. The Force, channeled by the wolf, Kanan thought, flooded over him.  _ Be calm, listen.  _

“What do you want?” asked Kanan, more prepared to listen now. 

“Dume,” the wolf’s voice growled. 

Kanan, hit hard by a new feeling from the Force, a sudden understanding that his will was not his own anymore--the Force wanted  _ him _ . The old Caleb Dume who had been willing to do whatever it took. The Caleb Dume who, Kanan realized, was probably from Lothal, if the vision he’d had while meditating could be trusted. 

It was the last piece the planet and the loth-wolves had been trying to give him. That he would have to give up everything he’d thought was important for something more, something bigger. That his path would end, but the others would be able to press on. He’d been in denial, trying to ignore it since arriving, but now, he could no longer deny it. Like his master before him had given up her will to the Force, he would have to give up his. 

“I understand,” he submitted quietly. “What must I do?” 

The wolf breathed clarity into Kanan and he saw much more than he wanted to see. Images of what would need to happen. Hera strapped in for interrogation, and Kanan knocking a few heads to pull her out. He saw, too, an explosion, beautiful like the ones he’d always been intrigued by when he’d worked on Cynda, enveloping him. 

Trying to breathe through the fear the image brought, he refocused on the wolf. A new image, one of a location, not far from where he was standing, a door from the sewer. And Mart and Chopper. 

The bright light of the explosion took him over again and the wolf was gone. Kanan sighed.  _ Coward _ , he thought, wishing he could wrestle the wolf into submission, but knowing that his fear was behind that impulse. He ran through the Jedi Code in his mind again.  _ Death, yet the Force _ louder in his mind than ever. He had not always believed he would return to the cosmic Force when he died, but he believed it now.  _ Just wish I had more time. _

The Force gently nudged him to remember what he’d seen of Hera. He would meet her again, if the vision was true. Kanan had never had good luck with visions. He hadn’t had them often, but when he had, he hadn’t recognized them in time. And Ezra’s visions were another reminder that sometimes the images were not what they appeared. He hoped with all his might that he would find Hera, alive and that he would be able to help her. However he needed to. 

Finding the sewer entrance had not been difficult. The memory had been clear and the Force had been with him all the while, pulling him towards Mart and Chop. It was dawn when he finally sensed them. He opened the door and said, “Come on, let’s get you out of there.” 

“Kanan!” Mart exclaimed, relief in his voice. 

Kanan helped the teenager out. Chopper flew up to the surface. “Kanan, Hera got captured,” Chop informed him, with uncharacteristic urgency. 

Resigned, Kanan said, “I know she did, Chop. I know.” Kanan couldn’t remember a time he’d heard the astromech so sad. Chopper was probably the only one of the bunch who felt even close to the way Kanan did now. 

“Kanan, I’m so sorry,” Mart said near him, apologizing for something that couldn’t have been his fault. 

With surprising clarity, Kanan understood that Hera had done what Kanan had once done before and what he planned to do again. She had given herself up for Mart and Chopper to make it out. “It’s alright, Mart. There’s nothing you could’ve done.” The feeling of resignation lifted, instead by motivation to make things right. “But there is something I can do.” He could rescue her, as she had rescued him. 

They loaded up on the speeder bike and headed towards base. It’d be a long drive and Kanan was worn out. The sun felt warm on his face. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First appearance of headcanon! 
> 
> The next update on this will likely take a while. The next (and final) part is quite long, but it is mostly ready. Just needs an editor's eye. :) 
> 
> Thanks for reading! This piece has been something of a passion project and, yes, it hurts, but I loved writing it and I'm happy that you're here with me.


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